The Living Your Learning Podcast
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The Living Your Learning Podcast
Episode Three - The Christmas Paradox (Part One)
Summary
In this special Christmas episode of the Living Your Learning podcast, hosts Craig McHugh and Lisa Butler delve into the complexities of the holiday season, discussing personal struggles, societal pressures, and the impact of expectations on mental health. They explore the financial strain many face during this time, the importance of kindness and understanding, and the necessity of setting boundaries to create a more enjoyable experience. The conversation emphasizes the need for reflection and self-awareness, particularly for leaders and business owners, while also addressing the challenges of social anxiety during holiday gatherings. Ultimately, the episode aims to provide listeners with insights and strategies to navigate the pressures of Christmas and foster a more positive holiday experience.
Takeaways
- Christmas can be a challenging time for many.
- Health concerns can overshadow holiday joy.
- Expectations during Christmas can lead to stress.
- Financial strain increases during the holiday season.
- Mental health issues often worsen during Christmas.
- Kindness and understanding are crucial during the holidays.
- Setting boundaries can help manage expectations.
- Reflection and self-awareness are key to coping.
- Business leaders should be mindful of their team's pressures.
- Creating a positive environment can enhance the holiday experience.
Sound Bites
"It's just another day for some of us."
"The paradox of Christmas is real."
"Who are you doing this for?"
Further Reading
https://www.mind.org.uk/about-us/our-policy-work/reports-and-guides/the-big-mental-health-report-2024/
https://www.bankofengland.co.uk/explainers/how-much-do-we-spend-at-christmas
Hello and welcome to the living your learning podcast where we explore all things leadership learning and everything in between. And this is a really special episode. This is our Christmas episode where we'll be talking about, well, all things Christmas. And because it's Christmas, this is a two-parter. So enjoy this one, part one of our Christmas edition of the living your learning podcast. Hello everyone and welcome to this latest episode of the Living Your Learning podcast, which is the place for top chats, awesome insights, and hopefully a little bit of inspiration that leads to amazing leaders, awesome teams, and maybe even a better you. And Lisa, our amazing co-host, is here with us as usual. So Lisa, how are ya? Very good, very good. I'm sat here with my lovely Christmas hat on and my Christmas earrings, feeling jolly, actually really honest. It's Beautiful. How are you? How am I? I'm mixed actually, if I'm gonna be honest. I'm mixed. I'm okay, but there's things that have meant that I have not felt okay. What about you? So, yeah, let me just take this ridiculous hat off, because that's like the big mask of jolly jolly and all that kind of stuff. Again, I'm okay. I've had an interesting fortnight really, I've been, you know, so I had cancer a couple of years ago, as you know, and I've been having some symptoms that have instantly made me think that there's some more. and it's spread. So I've been really worrying about that for quite a long time and had some private MRI scans and came back with no metastatic activity, which is really brilliant. And then discovered that I have severe degeneration of my lower spine and osteoarthritis, which is better than having cancer in my bones, but it's still pretty shit. So I'm just kind of... I'm really counting my blessings and feeling grateful that I'm in one position and kind of annoyed and exhausted by the other. overall, I find this time of year really exhausting and hard work. I feel like I'm constantly putting on a brave face, which manifests itself as jolly and... colourful and you know there are all the events with the kids but actually Christmas for me as I know it does for so many other people brings up stuff and when you kind of take health, family, money, kids, Christmas, work, cost of living when you put it all together in one beautiful sparkly Christmas bauble it's just a very fragile one. I personally find. Do know what? I could not agree more with that. Could not agree more. Well, firstly, good news for part one of that. Not so good news for part two. So really sorry to hear that Lisa, Yeah, obviously whatever help and support you need. you know, we are, I'm here, we're all here for you. But yeah, I totally resonate with all of that, but from probably a slightly different perspective. So more from a kind of work, business perspective. As we've spoken about before, it's been a really topsy-turvy, weird six months. my knuckle just cracked there. Weird six months and... Christmas has always been something that I have struggled with and I'm probably gonna sound like a right bah humbug here. I kind of enjoy it when it happens. I'm not really into big gatherings. I think I have a little bit of social anxiety. I'm an natural introvert. So all of the big family, let's all turn up and be Christmassy for the sake of Christmas. and all that stuff, I've never really enjoyed that or been into it. I'm kind of the person that, you know, shuts yourself away and watches the telly and eats too much turkey and stuff like that. And, you know, I'm okay with that. But I've always struggled with Christmas because of, I don't know, I just don't get it. I just don't get it. It's for me, a lot of the time, and I get, you know, the family stuff and everyone coming together and having a rest and stuff like that. But I'm just not sure that's reality. I think that's what, people put on films and in Christmas cards and on TV adverts and stuff like that to make you spend more money and to make you buy more if I'm gonna be completely cynical. And I've never really got it because it's just another day. And for somebody, and there'll be a lot of people out there listening and watching that will resonate with this, for somebody who's a business owner, this one day writes off a month or more for me because... You know, everyone starts winding down end of November, early December. They don't really start picking up kind of halfway through January again. So, you know, there's often sometimes not a lot to do. There's not a lot of work. out there And if you've had a bit of a tough year, that makes a tough year a really difficult year. And so it kind of gets in the way for me. And it's just another day and I'm thinking, do you know what? I've got a business to run here. I could do without this. I could do without the extra pressure. I could do without the extra expense. I could do with not losing all of this precious time and opportunity. And I think that can relate to the normal, I'll say the normal working world. So people that work within organizations or leaders within organizations, how stressed are they? when they sign off for Christmas thinking, I don't have enough time to take this time off, or actually, I have to work over the Christmas holidays, or I have to work the in-betweeny bit, so there's pressure from my family because I'm not taking time off, so there's pressure coming from all sorts. What are they gonna go back to? They might be fearful for their job in the new year. So, yeah, that's kind of... Yeah, a long-winded way of saying that I'm kind of with you on this one. I read a brilliant quote this morning on CEO Today magazine that talked about the paradox of Christmas, a time traditionally thought of for recharge, rest and fun, but relentless societal and economic challenges. Hang on. But it is a relentless societal and economic challenge with far reaching implications at the human level. And I, like I'm a parent, so I have a slightly different experience of what Christmas needs to be. But, you know, even getting my daughter's, you know, she said, mommy, I've rewritten my Christmas list. It was over a thousand pounds. And I would just literally spat out my tea. I was like, okay. And she went, but then I looked through it and realized I was being ridiculous. And I've got it down. It's under two hundred pounds now. Yeah. And I'm like, Okay, well keep whittling, that's all good. But it's bonkers. So I was looking at how much people spend at Christmas. Okay, so with this one day, let me just go to the correct piece of paper. Stand by. Right. Hang on, not that one. I got so excited about this topic. not sure I wanna hear this. Right, the average family in the UK spends £2,460 a month on living, on living, okay? There is a 29 % increase in December, so an extra £700 is spent in December. And, this is where it gets gnarly, this is from the Bank of England, it's estimated that in 2024, Brits will spend approximately £923 per person on gifts, food, travel and socialising over the Christmas period. which equals, drumroll, £46.4 billion. that's insane. So that first amount you gave, that's just normal living expenses which is high enough. You know, we can all relate to that. And then the other stuff is added onto that. That's insane. Well, I was telling you before, wasn't I? And you know, this is my fault. I get excited because of one of my hobbies at Christmas and Pam tells me not to. So this is totally my fault. But I've just spent like well over a hundred pounds on a turkey and a bit of gammon that I'm gonna barbecue. Now, barbecue is my hobby. I love to do it. And there's nothing better than barbecuing at Christmas. It's kind of like my... my therapy at Christmas, it helps get me through it, because I'm right at the end of the garden on my own, barbecuing. But yeah, I'm like, why did I do that? But there's just this, I don't know, is it an expectation? And I don't think it's just families, but there's an expectation on businesses to spend money, organizations to spend money, whether that's Christmas parties or gifts for clients or... or whatever. And I get it, it's a really nice gesture and some of these things are really, really important. But when you really come down to the nuts and bolts of it, that is absolutely crazy. it is. And I think that there are so many things, it's not just the Christmas day, like there is, there are so many sparkly facets of joy that come with Christmas, right? There are, like, that was a sarcastic joy, like if you think about the, if we think about not the sparkles but the prickles, like the Christmas tree prickles, we've got family rifts. There's all that, there's the family stuff, there is work stuff, and then there is, if you're a business owner or a business leader, then there's all those extra pressures in those roles as well. So I wondered if it would be useful to kind of sort of delineate and have a look at just the pressure that people are coming up against, because maybe if you were a little bit more honest about what that looks like. then perhaps we can be more, we can have a little bit more humility for the stress and strain that we go through over this year, which might equate to a little bit more kindness. Yeah, I love that. And, you know, this period of time, you know, it's kind of, people use it to wrap up one year and then to go into the next year. you know, you should, and really what it should be about is ending one year on a high and going into the next year on a high and a positive note. But actually I think for a lot of people, it probably has the opposite effect because of that extra stuff. it adds. In fact, it just reminded me of something Lisa. So this week I was doing a presentation skills workshop for one of my clients. And one of the people participants in the workshop, we kind of go through, you know, how to make presentations about it, and then they put a little presentation together and then they deliver the presentation on the second day. And she did this presentation on just the very thing that we're talking about, mental health at Christmas time. And I'm not gonna lie to you, everyone was literally for 10 minutes, only 10 minute presentation. So for anyone who's listening, I've got my mouth wide open in kind of, know, amazement, shock, kind of thing. They were just literally transfixed because everything she said related to everyone in that room in one way or another, whether it's the stresses of the get togethers, particularly for people who are a little bit more introverted or socially anxious. for the people who have got money pressures, which the vast majority of us, including us, have at the moment, who have those work pressures, who have those business pressures. And I think, you know, there's this. And you know, do we do it to ourselves? Is it an expectation thing? Do other people put it on us? I'm not too sure. So maybe we could unpick this, but they're just, for me, there just seems to be an expectation that this is just what we do at this time of the year. We do all of these things and we spend all of this money and we eat too much and drink too much. And we're doing all to have a good time. And no doubt, some of us do have a good time and no doubt even we will enjoy some of it. But we have the rest of the year to do some of that stuff as well, to get together with family and friends, to have a dinner, to go out for a drink. We don't have to have all of this other stuff that goes with it that then makes it really, really hard. And yeah, I just think there's this expectation, whether that's something we put on ourselves or society puts on us or tradition puts on us, and it just makes it harder for me. I really hear that. And the expectations. I have had quite a lot of therapy over the past few years and during that time I have really realised that a lot of the expectations that I have put on myself for Christmas were inherited expectations because when I was a kid that's what we did and therefore that's what Christmas must be. And if it's not that... it's a failure. if I give an example, so I grew up in a, we didn't have very much money at all, we grew up in a council house and Christmas and birthdays was the only time that we got stuff in the year. And my mum and my dad would, you know, I now know that they would debt themselves up to the eyeballs on HP from the the catalog in order that when we came downstairs on Christmas morning, the tree was just, there was stuff, we would always walk in and because we didn't know that kind of stuff, we would walk in and go, my God, look at all this stuff. And it was like amazing. But there was also this expectation of you must be grateful for everything that you get. You can't not like something because that would be ungrateful. You must always, that smiley face. Lunch is served at three o'clock on the dot. This is, gifts must be thoughtful. We must all have a really lovely day and be really happy. Even if we're feeling resentful, we must push it down and be jolly. And like that really screwed me up when I became a parent because if I put it into context, so there was this one Christmas, we, I was literally hiding underneath the Christmas tree with my camera. like ready and I'd put wrapping paper over the door frame so that Indy would have to like break her way in and then she was gonna look at the tree and go, my, it's amazing. So I'm there ready for the response. And she walked in, because we had friends staying, they kind of walked in, walked past the tree, walked straight to the fire and went, can we open our stockings now? And I was like. no, what a let down And then it spiralled and in the end I had to just leave. I was like, I can't actually be in the house right now. I was really, I was going through a really tough stage. I was really dysregulated. And all I knew was I could not be in that house because I just felt so angry and so let down and so disappointed that I couldn't be with them. So I literally, when I came back, everyone else was eating Christmas lunch because I had been so long. And my husband and I sat down and we talked about it and I went to the therapist and what it was was unpicking what was my idea of Christmas? What did I want it to be for me and my family? And what could I let go of that didn't belong to me? And now, I don't really do anything for Christmas. I'm just like, yeah, it's in 10 days time, real story. Haven't done any Christmas shopping. me neither. that because I don't have that it must be this anymore and I just wonder how many of us are carrying this baggage around of what it should look like. Yeah, I think it's a lot. reminds me of, so when I was a lot younger, in my early 20s, I was single. There was probably, can't remember how many years, but it was more than one. It was maybe a good couple, two or three. I actually had a Christmas protest where I purposefully stayed in Christmas on my own. Didn't speak to anyone. Well, I've phoned my mum and my dad, my brother, etc, but. I would not engage in Christmas at all. And I'll be at home, on my own, in my flat. Because I'm like, this is ridiculous. It's just another day. I don't enjoy it. When I met Pam, that obviously changed. Pam loves a Christmas. But again, I think the reason why I don't mind it so much now is because me and Pam just literally do our own thing. There's no expectations from either of us on each other. You know, I stay in my penguin onesie all day, even when I'm barbecuing at the bottom of the garden. We're in our pajamas. We cook stuff and when it's ready, we eat it. You know, one year, we had a little bit too much champagne. We didn't actually eat anything until about 10 at night because we kept forgetting to cook it. And then everything took ages. And was one of the best Christmases we ever had because there was no pressure. It was nice and relaxed. And we told everyone about it they were like, what? What, you didn't sit down and have like your Christmas lunch at three? Well, no, it turned into an all day buffet. So when the roast potatoes were ready, we ate them. When the turkey was ready, we ate that. When the stuffing was ready, we ate that. And if we got a bit bored with that, I'll tuck into the trifle and then we'll get the cheese out. And it was just an all day buffet in our pajamas and my penguin onesie and it was amazing. And everyone's like, what? Everyone, you know, really kind of... quite strong reactions to that. And I'm like, you should try it. It's literally a game changer. So yeah, no, I totally, I get all of that. There's so much. where should we start with this? So you mentioned a few things. So, you know, for people in work, you know, leaders, teams, people that run businesses, business owners, but also, you know, everyday families, etc. So where should we start? Okay, so I feel like there are three elements to this. I think we need to understand what is the load, what are the pressures, where are those pressures within our personal lives and our professional lives? And then we need to look at, once we've laid all of that bare on the table, we need to ask ourselves, what can we do to mitigate this pressure? How can we just ease off a little bit and give ourselves some space and grace going forward. Totally, and I love that. do you know what I, and I'm gonna be really selfish here, just for me personally, because this is a big thing for me actually. And it's probably something that I, apart from my few years where I protested, that I've, you know, because you don't wanna be the bah humbug, do you? You don't wanna be Scrooge who spoils Christmas. I've probably not talked about this properly myself, so. I think purely selfishly, what I would like is all of that, but also how can I set myself up to go into the new year feeling better? Because, and I'm not talking about crappy New Year's resolutions, because that's, I mean, the most pointless tradition that doesn't work in the whole world ever. If they do work for you, but I think they're ridiculous and stupid. And I don't mean New Year's resolutions or going into the new year with fake positivity. Go, I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna run a marathon this year. I don't mean that. I just mean getting through this period of time and getting into the new year with, yeah, I'm all right. I'm clear, I've got clarity and I'm gonna hit the ground running. That's what I would really like, if I'm gonna be completley honest. No, think that's really helpful and actually having some really simple strategies for answering the question, how can I be okay today and what do I need to be okay in two weeks time is a really, really important conversation to have. So let's go. Happy for me to go? yeah, off you go Lisa. I think I'm gonna have some Lisa therapy today. We all are, all the listeners are gonna have some Lisa therapy today, so off you go. So mental load is a coin that was, is a phrase that was coined in the 1980s by a sociologist called Monique Haycourt. And she did some research on cognitive processing, like how do we process stuff on the outside. So initially it looked at domestic labor, focused on women and it focused on the home. And it was, the phrase is. mental load is the invisible mental effort of managing your daily responsibilities. So for the purpose of this conversation, I want mental load to include all genders and pretty much be applicable to anybody and everybody because it's something that belongs to everybody. So there are so many different parts of this. So, Within Christmas, we've obviously got family and home, but I wanted to start with mental health and the real mental load at Christmas. I was looking at, so in the UK at the moment, there is one in seven diagnosed with mental health conditions, and one in four of us adults will report with symptoms of mental health conditions through a year. One in five school age, humans have mental health conditions. Yeah, one in five. In 2023 there were 6,069 suicides and 75 % of them were men. my lord, wow. And the mental health, I don't want to call it an industry, but the mental health load on the NHS costs 300 billion pounds a year. Really? So if we take a month slice of 300, gives so mental health costs the NHS 25 billion for the month of December. Holy moly. Wow. those are our statistics. and how to reduce stress is Googled every 10 minutes. Like throughout the whole year. Yeah. So if we overlay that with the fact that... Loneliness is a really big thing. Like 7.8 % of adults in the UK report feeling lonely always or often. Period. and over Christmas that can be really heightened. But I was thinking about the different mental health conditions. grief, not that the, or the things that prey on our minds, grief, neurodiversity, isolation, alcohol, drug dependence, social anxiety, eating disorders, body dysmorphia, depression, like the list is enormous. But at Christmas time, when we are supposed to be happy and jolly, and generous and free flowing with alcohol and with gifts and time. Actually, at Christmas time, this stuff is turned up and it's 80 % of people who have mental health conditions say that their symptoms get worse. I would completely agree. yeah, so I'm just trying to work out the percentage of that. It's a big percentage of people who are really, really struggling. So on an individual basis, we really don't know what people are dealing with. And I always live like this, but I always lead with kindness. you know, if I get caught up in the car or someone's rude to me in a supermarket, I don't retaliate with a... kind of, know, hand up in the face, oi, you know, don't be so obnoxious. It might always, my initial thought is, what's going on for you today? And do I need to respond in the way I think I want to? I always try and do that. So that's just as human beings. And now if we overlay the fact that we are business owners and we might have employees, we are business leaders and we've got... networks of people that we manage and interact with, the responsibility to understand what is going on for other people becomes even more important. This, this, this, this, I mean the more you talk, more, or the more you say, it becomes bigger and bigger and scarier and scarier and... Yeah, I mean, I'm literally speechless right now. Because I can resonate with all of it and I'm sure all of our listeners and viewers will, every single one of them will be able to resonate with this in one form or another. But I just don't think we, yeah, as you said earlier, we put on that mask, don't we? And I think there is a time and a place for a mask, but actually as leaders, even if we are talking in this context of family leader, community leader, business leader, if we look around that room of people and we have it in the back of my mind that 25 % of you are wearing a mask, probably even more of you have got a mask on and you are struggling with something. Like how differently would we show up if we came from that approach rather than, right, we've got to the end of year returns in, we need to get the reports out, we need to do this. What if we started each day with kindness and that consideration for where are my people at today? Where am I at today? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. So let's just focus on business leaders for a minute or leaders within organizations. So I think there's a thing about being the kindness to those they're leading. but also there's the kindness to themselves. So what can leaders do about that? My sense is that we need to understand how we are being unkind first in order for us to be able to be kind. So I will refer a lot, hopefully, in this session talking about boundaries. Understanding my boundaries has been so transformational in so many ways, but that kind of recognizing what I need, what I need from others and how to be okay. And in order for me to have done that, I have had to reflect on what does not work, what has stressed me, what has triggered me, what's pissed me off beyond despair, what has brought me to my knees. And in those... Sorry, carry on Lisa, carry on. And just in those reflections I have found the magic of, it's because I don't like this. that doesn't work. that's super. I mean, that in itself as a tip or a technique or a tactic is absolute gold. So what this is reminding me of is something that I use a lot in my workshops in various guises, whether it's a leadership workshop or project management workshop or communication workshop or whatever it is. But I also 1,000,000, 100%. I got that the wrong way around. You know what I mean? Do this on myself. And you might be familiar with it. The after action review, which is what's going well or what works well, what doesn't work well, what needs to be different or better. And traditionally the after action review just has those three questions, but I've added one and I'm sure the after action review actually was first invented by the US military years and years years ago. I'm sure they won't mind me adding a fourth, but I find this fourth really helpful is, What do I need in order to be different or better or for it to be different or better? And I find that a really useful reflection exercise because A, it makes it a very practical thing for me. It makes it very objective. So it reduces the risk for me to really beat myself up over it. Cause I just make it very factual. I completely own it. And then I just go through this process and then when I get to the end of that I come up with two or three actions in order to then be able to go and do something about it, which is absolutely key and obviously the better those or smarter those actions smarter those actions are so really specific measurable time bound etc are the better for me and Yeah, I think that in itself that reflection piece rather than just just forcing things down and thinking this is not working this is getting harder and harder and harder and harder to the point where we either blow or We completely withdraw or or or you know something good doesn't happen I think that reflection piece is really, really helpful for us to do and potentially structuring it like that so we don't get almost to the point of no return where it just becomes far too much. how do you notice what you need? wow, that's a really good question. Really good question. Okay, so first of all, think it's, I've got to be, which is hard, it's really hard to be self-aware enough to realize that something's not right in the first place. Either I'm struggling with something, something feels uncomfortable, and I'm not talking about the uncomfortable we talked about last time with courage. I'm not necessarily talking about that, but something just feels really horrible and, dark and scary and that kind of thing. I think it's slightly different. But something is not right and it shouldn't be that way, I suppose is what I'm trying to get at. So firstly, it's recognising that. Sometimes I'm not so good at that. Sometimes I need somebody to remind me of that. So I would always say to somebody, have somebody and find somebody, whoever it is, who can ask you that. I'm lucky, you know, my amazing, beautiful wife, Pam, she's that person for me. And I appreciate some people might not have someone close to them to do that, but you know, there are plenty of support services out there who you can talk to. you know people should absolutely do that. So I think it's firstly recognizing that something isn't right and it shouldn't be that way. And then... And then for me, it's going through that process and then trying to be really honest with myself and working out what isn't so good. You know, there might be some things that are okay, but what isn't okay? And then from that, what needs to be different or better? And that helps me do that. But firstly, it's recognizing it. Secondly, yeah, asking yourself those questions so you can identify it. And that, yeah, and I really, think that's a really good framework. I've done one of those sort of end of year reflections with, you know, like 43 questions or something like that. And that's been helpful sometimes, but that's really time consuming. But what I do know is that when I have taken the time to really honestly reflect the gold nuggets that I've come across and that, I hadn't really thought about that. yeah. Or it's just blatantly staring me in the face that this is something that's needed. I wanted to offer. I find, sorry, find keeping it simple and asking just a few really key questions to yourself. And the key is honesty, the key is ownership, accountability, making it objective, very factual, trying to maybe see it from different perspectives, stepping outside of your own little bubble. For me, it really helps with those nuggets. One thing I wanted to offer and add was the importance of, before we do any of that, is coming back to ourselves and recognising what is going on in our own body. So long, long, long before we have blown our top in a particular situation, that's not the point. The point that we should be paying attention to is when we get a tightening in our chest or we notice we stop breathing or... our cheeks are getting flushed, or my tummy feels a bit odd, or I'm just not feeling comfortable in this situation, there's something not right. That's when we need to start paying attention. That's when there is an intuitive indication that something is not right. And invariably that is an indication of a boundary that has been crossed. But if we don't clock back to... Okay, I got angry. What happened before I got angry? What was the situation? Who was I with? What was the body language? What was going on? What was being said? How was I responding? Okay, I notice. I remember my chest was hurting. Next time we can go, my chest is hurting. I need to take a breath and take a pause. Yeah, that's golden, absolute golden. And I would really agree with that. Even today, the last couple of days, I've noticed a certain amount of stress, that tightness in the chest. And again, it comes back to my point about you've got to recognise it first. You've got to be self-aware enough to recognise what you're feeling and then ask yourself what's triggering that. I use that framework. you could just keep going back. The five why's techniques is a really good one. So if this is where you ask why for five times until you get to the root cause, you might need to ask a bit more than that. And that's a recognized kind of root cause analysis technique, which is really useful. So why does that happen? Okay, that happened. Okay, why did that happen? Okay, and then what happened and why did that happen? And so on and so forth. But yeah, and I've noticed that and... it's in those moments that you can't just suppress it and go, no, this is, I can't afford to be like this or, well, you can't afford to be like this, but you can't squash it down, you can't suppress it and go, it's Christmas or I've got this to do or I've got that to do or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I think you've got to recognise it and then have that, give yourself that space. So this is posing my second nugget. is when you're doing this, reflection is give yourself that time and space to have that little reflection. It doesn't have to take half an hour or an hour. It could do. and brilliant if it does, but it could take five minutes. And then you have that reflection. And then for me, it's what really helps me and really helps shift my perspective and mindset, particularly from a stress or overwhelm point of view, is working out why it's happened. and then putting a plan in place to try and do something about it. And it might be that that thing is, do you know what? I can't do anything about it now, so I'm gonna park it. So then I'll put something in the calendar, I'll do a little reminder for myself so I don't forget about it. And then I come back to it when I can come back to it. And even something simple like that can really, really help. So yeah, I think there's so many different ways you can look at it and for so many different emotions. Whether it is... whether it is stress or overwhelm or social anxiety or financial pressure or anger or frustration or resentment or guilt or whatever emotions come this time of year. Yeah. Yeah, I also feel like we need to make time reflection doesn't have to be this big, long meditative ceremony. It will also be a moment like you could have a pooflection You know, you could just go to the toilet and think when you're in there. Actually cleaning my teeth is a big one for me. I have a lot of reflection time then. Something I did find really useful because I wanted to understand patterns of behaviour and response. And so when something happened where I found myself responding in a certain way, I would just have a phone note and I would add to the bottom of the phone note, this person said this, I felt this, this is what happened. And then I could see what was theirs and what was mine. And then it was, I had my phone with me all the time. So that was helpful as well. That was great. Can I just add in another thing that I've just thought about? And I was taught this by one of my old bosses, amazing guy. I'm gonna get him on as a guest on the podcast as well, a chap called Paul Peter Wakefield. Hi Peter, if you're listening, sorry to embarrass you. He gets embarrassed by these things. Amazing, amazing guy. And when I first started working with him many years ago, I was looking after L &D and he was looking after the... whole people, the people function. So I reported into him. One of the things he said to me, I've always remembered this and I've all, and I stick to it religiously now. Sometimes you have to, you know, make exceptions, but the thing is this, Craig, always give yourself thinking time, always. At some point in the week, give yourself thinking time. said, you can put it in your calendar as whatever you want, admin, whatever, but thinking time. I said, but Peter, I've got all of this list of stuff to do, and all of this pressure and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, I don't have time for that. He said, you have to make time, because it's that that will help you do that. so, I mean, one of the best pieces of advice and wisdom I've ever had is give yourself thinking time. Even when you feel you can't, give yourself that thinking time. it, even if it's half an hour, everyone can find half an hour somewhere. We waste so much, do you know, the amount of times I've wasted stressing and worrying about things when I could have been doing something proactive with it. I remember one time, just very quickly, I was away on an assignment with a client and I was staying away and I had to do this piece of work in the evening for a different client. And I was getting really, really stressed about it because I was just getting stressed and overwhelmed. And I remember I was in the bar of the hotel trying to do this piece of work. for something for the following week. And I was on this other assignment I was getting really stressed. And I was getting really really stressed and I was texting Pam going oh my god, I'm so stressed I can't do it blah blah blah blah blah and she was trying to calm me down and phone me. I was getting myself in a right mess. I then looked up at the clock. And I sat down at 6 o'clock and when I looked up at the clock it was 9 o'clock. I wasted 3 hours stressing. Just wasted. When I could have actually done something a bit more Proactive and positive about it and actually that waste of time made things even more stressful So I suppose what I'm getting is we can always find time and I think we waste a lot of time With all of this stuff that comes in and we just need to give ourselves the time to to pause to stop pause step back and just think and reflect and ask those questions so that we can put ourselves in a a clearer state of mind to be able to tackle them because if we're just overloaded with all of this stuff, it's gonna go one way and it ain't gonna be a good way. I agree. And then we go from, I've reflected and I've recognised what's missing and what is needed, then comes the step of how do I ask for what I need? And I think that this sits very firmly in the realm of boundaries. And boundaries are an ongoing learning for me. So I was 40, hang on, 2017, so I was 42 when I first learned about boundaries. I went on a retreat, I was in the midst of my chronic post-natal depression and I went on this retreat away and the facilitator talked about... boundaries and she was so grounded when she was talking about it and I remember just looking at her going, what are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about. boundaries mean Lisa, if I can just quickly ask? So my understanding is that boundaries simply are the understanding and the articulation of what you will tolerate and what you won't tolerate and what's okay and what's not okay with you. And boundaries are not about calling other people out on their behaviour. It's about saying, am most comfortable. I show up best when this happens. So it might be, I don't like to be interrupted during our conversations. I'd like you to wait until the end of my paragraph before you ask me a question. No, no, no, no, you don't do that. I always, especially in the military, I would let senior people talk over me all the time because that was kind of what you did. But I didn't know that it was okay for me to say, I don't like it when you do that. Not, you're rude, because that would be judgmental. It's much more about, I am owning how I feel about this. And so it's an indication of clarity and grounding. It's rooted in self care. And what it does is it teaches other people how to treat us. And if everybody did it, then we would know how to treat each other to the best effect. So can I ask something? And this might be because of my behavioural colors profile and how I come out being a red blue. But that for me has, if you're not careful, connotations of maybe coming across as combative, as conflict, as, well, depending on how you do it, suppose, you know. being a little bit aggressive, particularly when you use words like, I won't tolerate, this is not okay, and stuff like that. so is there, and I'm genuinely interested because I think purely socially, this will help me massively, and I know it will help a lot of people massively as well, but is there a way of doing this in a way that doesn't come across that way? Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. And I completely acknowledge that, you the word tolerating could be, can be received in a certain way. I, in fact, I had an experience earlier this year where I clumsily put a boundary in place about something that had happened, some content that had been shared that I didn't like or appreciate goes against all of my values. And I asked for this piece of content. for something to happen to the content. And the response was not quite as I had hoped. actually, what it showed me is that not everybody is in the same space to receive. So the first thing to note is that however the other person responds to your request for an observation of something, that response is not your responsibility. completely agree with that. The responsibility is A, it is your self-reflection, your observation and your articulation of the need. for an example, it might be, if we think about, let's think of a common scenario, I don't know. I would like to explore ways in which we could work better together. I've... I've noticed, and the other thing to say is not to sugarcoat it. And when I say I'm still learning this, still, I am a recovering people pleaser. And so I have always avoided conflict. So I will try to do it in a nice way. But actually it might sound like when you make lewd jokes, you don't clearly, but when we think, I don't know. Let's take the recent forer in the newspapers about No, let's not because that's too contentious. I don't... Yep, please do. And this is based on the Christmas theme, okay? So I really, really struggle with social occasions at Christmas, where particularly if there's people that I don't know so well, or people I haven't seen in a long time, or even family, actually, I get really, really socially anxious. It causes me a lot of anxiety. And I love my family to death, don't get me wrong. but I just feel it's just very cringy and awkward for me and I just don't like it. So how would I set a boundary to say this stuff is not okay for me, it doesn't work for me, that will come across in an okay way that hopefully people will understand and it might not be that I get out of the thing. because I'm actually quite skilled at doing that now. But at least when I'm there, people will understand what I'm going through and will hopefully, yeah, just understand what I'm going through and that maybe I might not be as joyful and gregarious as they would want. So what would you be okay with? Think of a scenario. not going. No, I can't do that. So what I would be okay with is, it's a real tough one, a real tough one. It's really hard to explain. Something that's not too formal, something that is where I'm not so... And this is a complete me thing, because people don't do this to me. I'm creating this in my head. Where I don't feel like I'm the center of attention. I'm on show where I have to be outgoing. So if I kind of wanna just stand back and not say much, that's okay. If I wanna sit in the corner and watch the telly, if I'm around my mums or my dads or my brothers or whatever, that's okay. and there's not this kind of forced, forced, you know, socialising funness. Does that make sense? So. May I offer a idea? I'm not an expert in this, but I'm going to just go with, in that scenario, preempting the boundary with whoever it is that you're going to so that they know before the event that that's where you need to be. So that conversation might be, hi Bob, really looking forward to seeing you at your party next week. I just... I wanted to just check in with you. I've noticed that when I'm in environments where there is a, where it's just super busy, everyone's on top form and there's this expectation for it to be a certain way that I actually start feeling quite anxious and overwhelmed by that. What I need next week is to... What I need is for a relaxed environment, so there's no pressure on me to behave a certain way or to interact with people at certain time. Would you be willing to or could you or just that? In fact, that's a slightly different thing. That's a NBC thing, sorry. But you've just said what you need. That's it. I need to show up as I am and not be under any pressure to perform in a certain way at the party. full stop. Yeah, but sorry, I was gonna say you can then, you know, we talked about NVC beforehand, so I guess you could do a blend of the two, in which case, can I ask, you know, would you be willing to help me with that? Or could you make, know, just, I don't know, you can kind of add that bit on the end of, can you help me with that? Yeah, yeah, because I think a lot of people resonate with what I experienced there. I mean, don't get me wrong, once I get going, I'm fine. But it sometimes takes me, the lead up is horrible for me. The first bit is horrible for me. Once I get going, I'm generally okay because I can definitely be extroverted. That is in my nature, but that introversion is very, very, very powerful. I'm very, very strong. So, you know, and there might be some other insecurities added into that as well. But I think that's really, really good. But I think, you know, in this situation, it's not just the person who's got the thing that you're going to. There's everyone else there. you go, what's wrong with? And this is maybe something that's in my head or people like me. They'll go, what's wrong with Craig today? What's wrong with Craig tonight? Why is Craig so quiet? And that's something we build up in our heads. Yeah, 100 % and people probably don't care. Yeah, and with love, they probably don't even care. They probably haven't even noticed because they're so full of their own stuff that they're just not, Craig's over there. They might not have even noticed you, there lovely. You know, it's, we get into that. So actually that's another really, really good tip, isn't it, for me? You know, that's really resonated with me for me to remember. I'm actually making this up. They don't care. And I don't even know if they do care. So why am I thinking about whether they care if I don't know whether they do or not? And we do, we create these, did you have a microphone issue? We create these narratives and these stories in our heads, don't we, about when we're feeling this way, that what's gonna happen, we run through those scenarios and we base on what's happened last time and we're reliving and pre-living. And actually what we're doing there is we're perceiving a threat to our wellbeing, whether that's physical or emotional, psychological, whatever. And we're now reliving and pre-living scenarios to try and problem solve our way out of that threat. And so what we do, we add narratives to that, stories to that to make sense of it. they're gonna think this, they're gonna think that, my God. And you get into this washing machine of thought, emotion, thought, emotion, gets bigger and bigger and bigger. When actually you're so right, the likelihood is they're not thinking that at all. And I am making up in my head. So is there something around there about trying to be a bit more mindful and a bit more present in those moments so we don't create these scenarios. Yeah, so I think the phrase I come back to is, is it true that they don't like me? Is it true that they think I'm really boring? Is it true that I've got nothing to contribute to this conversation? Is it true that they don't like my outfit or whatever the insecurity is? And mostly I'm like, what? And then I'm like, okay, if it's true, what's the evidence? There is no evidence. This is all going on in my head. have a very busy head. And then it's like, okay. then there is no evidence. All I'm doing is I'm looking at the way someone just looked at me and I'm basing it on 160,000 interactions before where I thought that that person didn't like me because they raised their left eyebrow when they looked at me. It doesn't mean anything. totally. But the same could be for giving gifts, couldn't it? they're not gonna like the gift. They're gonna judge me because I didn't spend enough and stuff like that. And again, you know, that puts all of that expectation on so we spend more. Or we will, like I did all those years ago, just protest and not do Christmas. So I don't have to go through all of that. And I think there was something in that then. And... So I think, you know, that there's something there with that as well, but also your point, which is really important. And I think we have to remember, and I think, you know, we've probably got a handful of takeaways or top tips here is we're not responsible for how other people respond. They are. get comfortable with other people being uncomfortable. Yeah, that's great. That is great. other thing is your energy when you say these things, like if you say something with that... I was going to say something but it's not appropriate... with that negative energy, people know, people know and but if you kind of... I think even if it's gift giving, if it's boundary giving, it's like if you know... but you came to that with the best intention for the best intention for all. And it's like, happy Christmas. I'm really excited to give this to you or whatever, rather than, how many times do we give presents to people and go, it's not much, it's not very nice. I bought it in the charity shop. I'm really sorry. It's not quite, rather than I got this for you, happy Christmas. Just, that's it, happy Christmas. Let's try and take away the narrative. Yeah, and I think if that we can change that language in our own heads and what we actually externally say, and we shift that energy a little bit, I think that's important. you know, when I, my social anxiety, when I turn up to things, you know, the lead up is horrific. It's absolutely horrific. i mean, anxiety is off the charts. And, you know, I have things that I do, you know, mindfulness exercises, trying to be as present as possible, trying to stop that. unhelpful past and future thinking to get me to a point where I can be there or I can do it. But then it comes to the moment where you're like, there's no turning back now. And it's like, do you know what? I'm just gonna turn up as my best self. I'm gonna show up as my best self. I take a deep breath, I shift my energy and I go for it. And I honestly do this. And if they don't like it, stuff them. We used to have, you know when you go to someone's house for a weekend and on the way there, you were, but you're reflecting on the times before where you had an argument about the roast turkey or can you remember when Auntie Betty wasn't very grateful for her slippers or whatever? And so you already arrive at the destination with a negative approach to it. And we realized, my husband and I realized that we were doing this a few years ago. And so then we changed our narrative in the car and we were like, so we went with no expectations and we would talk about in the car what we were looking forward to seeing in each, I'm really looking forward to seeing Auntie Betty because she always makes me laugh with her stories about this or whatever. But it's the, I'm not going with any expectations other than I'm gonna give them my gifts, I'm gonna eat some food and have a really nice time and. I am going to show up like this, that's how I'm going to be. That was really, really helpful. Yeah. So I mean, that's such a theme around expectations. It reminds me of a Christmas that, you know, the COVID Christmas we had. So it was, yeah, where we went back into lockdown. And I always remember, you know, it was it was a nightmare to try and get anything for the supermarkets, you know, get into the supermarket, getting stuff from the supermarket, ordering stuff and stuff like that. and I just remember everything being very problematic and tricky. And it was, it might have been Christmas Eve or it might have been the day before Christmas Eve. And you know, me and Pam were stressing and stuff like that. Pam went, absolutely bless Pam for this. Absolutely amazing. She went, sod it, that's it. I'm walking to the supermarket. I'm gonna get what they got and we're gonna enjoy it. And she walked to the supermarket. And I think she probably did two or three trips. She went, no, you're not coming with me. You're a nightmare in supermarkets, because I am a nightmare in supermarkets. They stress me out. I'm going to do this. And she did about two or three trips. And did we have the stuff that we usually have at Christmas? No, but we had one of the best Christmases ever. Because we just removed all of that expectation and we just enjoyed what we had. And we enjoyed, yeah, we just enjoyed what we had. When I was writing earlier on what are the pressures that we come under, the high expectations thing came up over and over again. Like high expectations, we revisit old dynamics, we expect someone to behave in a different way, but we haven't seen them for the whole year. So how would we know what they're going to be like? everybody goes with the intention of this has got to be the best thing ever rather than, okay, we are a group of human beings with different needs and different experiences. let's just show up and what does everybody need over the next three days that would make their Christmas great? Like what can we agree not to do over the next three days that will stop us from arguing? Let's do that. So what I'm thinking here, and it's kind of like a light bulb that's gone off, there is, and please do correct me if I'm wrong, because boundaries is a very new thing for me, there is definitely a thing between expectations and boundaries, is there not? I think so. Tell me what your interpretation is. Okay, I'll try and explain it the best I can. So, you know, we have all of these expectations, whether they're kind of inherited or traditional, or we put them on ourselves. But... I'm wondering if they become bigger, more difficult because we're not considering the boundaries. And then there's a part of me thinking, I'll probably, I'm not explaining this very well at all, but there's a part of me also thinking, if the expectations weren't there, would the boundaries be such a big thing? It's a really fair point because when we go in with high expectations that everything has to be a certain way, I think we end up people pleasing to bend ourselves into the shape of what it should look like rather than accepting that we're all different people with different needs. And we can still have a great time if we understand what each person needs in that scenario. And I think there is something in understanding other people, most definitely. But I'm now wondering, if I create my own boundaries... But I don't put on all of these expectations. And I suppose my boundaries are, I'm just gonna show up as I am and I'm gonna enjoy what's going on in that moment. Or if I can't, I can't, if I do, I do. Do know what I mean? So if I remove all of that pressure, for me, boundaries don't seem I don't feel the need for so many boundaries because I'm I'm accepting what is I'm not sure I explained that very well No, absolutely. And I think so. Well I think there's a link there. I absolutely think there is and I think we should definitely explore that further in another episode. Yes, definitely. How many other things did you want to talk about on this one Lisa? Because I know it's a hot topic. So what else have we got to chat about? So I wanted to just get those a few more things about pressures, we need to talk about like from business leaders and business owners, we need to talk about what they can do as well as just looking at the, So I'll tell you what, Lisa, because I think we've got still a lot to talk about. I think this deserves definitely a part two. And I know our courage episodes deserve a part two, but we're going to circle back to that. So I think there's a few other things that we have to discuss in between. So let's take a break on part one. And let's come back in part two of this kind of this topic and let's explore those other areas. But for me, key takeaways are expectations, is reflection, is thinking time, is boundaries. Would you add anything to that in terms of a very quick ponder point? I think there's a big piece there around who are you doing this for? And whether it's the money spent or the food bought or the party attended, who are you doing that for? And very quickly, just for me, just to wrap up this part one, my biggest ponder point is, I think is that reflection piece. When you're feeling that overwhelm, is to recognise it, have that thinking time, reflect, and then identify what you can do about that. come back in part two, guys, in a moment, we're gonna go grab a cup of tea, and then we will finish off this super interesting episode on, Christmas and Christmas pressure and and how we can make Christmas a little bit easier. So see you in a minute guys. And there we have it part one of this special Christmas edition of the living your learning podcast both myself and Lisa Really hope you enjoyed it, but don't forget there is a part two. So go and check that one out right now
